Guilt of a Mormon Woman

It has been a long and exhausting week for me, mostly because of some difficulties with one particular adult at work. I won't go into details. The story is far too long, and it weighs on my soul every time I repeat it. But I'm trying to stay focused on the bright side: It has become apparent to me this week how many wonderful friends I have at work and how many people truly support me. I have had other teachers offer me much needed support and advice that has helped me weather this ongoing storm.

This trial has caused me to evaluate things in my life and think about where all my stress comes from. And it has made me wonder if I am really putting the emphasis in my life where it should be. I have heard different things about Catholic people having issues with learned guilt, and I think Mormon women rank right up there too! I feel so much guilt about leaving my kids with someone else--fabulous though she may be--while I go off to work every other day. I feel such an awesome responsibility to make sure they are learning correct principles, morals, behaviors, etc. And I miss them tremendously when I'm away from them. I started wondering today if women who were raised with different views also feel this guilt. As Mormon women we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to try to be perfect, serve everyone, go the extra mile, give everything 110%, and on and on. But I just can't get it all done. No matter what I do, I'm always behind the curve on something. I know, this is where the Atonement makes up the difference. But it can still be discouraging to try to be everything to everyone all the time.

I have to learn how to put all this guilt away and be content with myself where I am . . . be content with what I can give right now. I've come to find out, most other people don't think I'm falling short. They think I have it all together. Maybe I do, and I just don't realize it. It's all perception, right?

Please note: This post is not a desperate plea for compliments. I just wanted to share my honest opinions/feelings about how hard we can be on ourselves and how I am feeling today. It helps me feel better and process when I write about it. And maybe someone else can relate and know she is not alone in her guilt and struggle.

Bad Day Turned Out Good

I have been sick for about four weeks now. It started as a regular cold. I got better for two days about a week ago and thought I had finally kicked this bug. Then it came back with a vengeance. I now have an ear infection that I think started as a sinus infection. Needless to say, I feel awful! I had to go back to work today, and I was not really happy about working while sick. Peyton and Maryam were not happy about being dropped off at the babysitter's house, and especially not happy about their new dog. (My kids are deathly afraid of live animals.) My babysitter is very sick, and I was really worried about leaving my kids there with her not feeling well and them distraught. I had to come back a few hours later to take the kids to preschool because the babysitter was too sick to drive. Poor girl!

In the mean time I went to school to find that one of my final exams was stolen by a student in my first period last Friday. There was a sub tending my class that day while I was at my brother's wedding, so I was not there to be my usual crazy/cranky teacher self. The VP told me that I shouldn't have been absent during finals week, and basically implied that it was my fault the test was stolen. By the time I got to preschool I was nearly in tears for the second time today. The day was shaping up to be REALLY awful!

At preschool, two of the other moms asked what was wrong and promptly offered their help. One of them took my kids home with her after preschool so my babysitter could rest and recouperate and I could stay at work. They both followed up with another offer of help later in the day. I am so blessed to have such kind, giving, selfless friends! It was a really rough day, but the Lord still saw fit to show me his tender mercies in the wonderful women I know. I am inspired to be a better person.

This was the best ever!

This past weekend we went to my brother Bruce's wedding in Salt Lake City. It was a crazy fast trip! My grandmother let our little family and Tobin's parents stay with her. I enjoyed seeing Grandma and staying with her. We had such a nice time meeting Bruce's new wife, Marissa, and Anna's fiance, Kyle. It was so great to spend time with my family. Have you seen the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding? That's a lot like wedding planning/prep at the Walther house. I loved every minute of being there.

During the song where Bruce was dancing with my mom, Maryam walked over and cut in. I have a cute picture of her dancing with both of them. While they were dancing, she told them, "This was the best ever!" Later when she was dancing with me, she said the same thing. I totally agree!

We drove home to California on Sunday. That morning, just outside of Salt Lake, Peyton asked where we were going. I told him we were going home to our house. He said, "No, I want to go to Mor Mor's house (my mom) because it's fun!" I'm so glad they both enjoyed the weekend there.

My Cuties

I just have to share a few of the cute things my kids have said over the past couple of days. They never cease to amaze me.

This morning I was sitting on the 2nd to the last stair in our house putting on my shoes. Peyton came over and asked me to scoot over so he could sit by me. He sat down, leaned his head against me, and said, "Best friends!" I could have melted right there!

Peyton woke up first from nap time today. After a few minutes he decided that he wanted Maryam to be awake too. I told him to go check on her to see if she was up. A couple minutes later they came into my room together and announced that they wanted to go to Old McDonald's for dinner. I told them that we could go another time but not tonight. The response? Peyton (using his man voice) said, "We go by ourselves. Daddy will take us." So there you have it.

I've been trying to potty train both Maryam and Peyton lately. It's tough work! Peyton is actually getting the hang of it most of the time (except #2). Maryam doesn't really want to use the potty. I think it has more to do with not wanting to do what Mom wants her to do. I'm really scared that she has this teenage attitude already! Anyway, today I was trying again to convince her to use the potty. She said, "Mom, the potty is not for kids!"

Maryam has been clingy when I've tried to leave her at Nursery and preschool this week. Today, I finally had to let the preschool mom hold her back while I left. When I returned she informed me that she was sad when I left. She said, "I was really worried about you." Oh so cute!

The Completed DIY Project

The guest room is finally finished! We installed the baseboards, changed out the outlet covers and light switch, and put all of the furniture back yesterday. It is so nice to have a usable room again! And just in time to have Trenton and Kristyn spend the night tonight! Whew!

I know the green is a little bright. I chose the color because we are planning to move Peyton and Maryam into this room in a few months when everything comes together with their twin beds. I am planning to make them bedspreads out of some fun, bright fabric that will coordinate with the wall color. Here begins the next part of the project, since I have not yet found or purchased the fabric or started the blankets. I am also working on decorations to hang on the walls and curtains to put on the window. I have some Anne Geddes pictures to go on Maryam's side, and I want to find something to do with sports or cars/trains/airplanes for Peyton's side.

Nevertheless, here are a couple pictures. . . .

The Case of the Falling File Cabinet

We have been working hard to finish the guest room so that it can be turned into Maryam and Peyton's room once we have twin beds for them. On Friday, Tobin worked on putting in the new baseboards while I went through the filing cabinets and moved them downstairs. We have one two-drawer and one four-drawer cabinet. I easily and quickly cleaned out the two-drawer cabinet and moved it downstairs in a multi-step process: empty out the papers, files, etc; take them downstairs; take out the drawers and take them downstairs; move the cabinet downstairs. Then I started on the larger cabinet. This one took a lot more time since it has more in it, and many things in it date back to when we were first married or before. I had to decide what was still important to keep, what should be shredded, and what could be thrown in the garbage. During this process, Peyton and Maryam were alternating between "helping" us and watching TV/playing with their new toys.

I finally finished cleaning out the larger cabinet, and completed the multi-step moving process with the exception of moving the cabinet. Tobin offered to help me take it down the stairs, which I determined would be the best way to keep from hurting myself, the cabinet, or the house. I dragged the cabinet to the top of the stairs and left it there while Tobin finished up. I walked back to the guest room to check on Tobin, and a few seconds later I heard a terrible crashing sound on the stairs. Peyton and Maryam had been following me around through the moving process, and I had explained to them that we needed to wait for a few minutes before taking the cabinet down the stairs. They had stayed with the cabinet at the top of the stairs.

I'm not sure if Peyton was tired of waiting or if he decided to conduct a scientific experiment. This seems very much like something my brother Ray might have done as a child. "Let's see what happens when a large object at the top of the stairs is pushed. Will it fall? Will it roll? Which way will it go? What will happen when it reaches the bottom of the stairs?" All of these questions were answered in a couple of seconds. I ran from the guest room shouting, "NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!" as if my voice could keep the filing cabinet from completing it's descent. My shouting and the tumbling, crashing cabinet scared my poor boy to death. He sat at the top of the stairs crying his little heart out. I think he quickly realized that it was a bad choice to conduct this particular experiment. Tobin and I could not bring ourselves to punish him because he felt so badly about what he had done. Peyton remained down-trodden and woeful until I apologized to him about twenty minutes later. Ah, the irony!

Our hardwood floor and the file cabinet took the worst physical beating. The floor has a couple of lovely, deep gouges in it (see the picture below). We had to pound out the top of the cabinet in order to make the top drawer fit again. It works ok now, and has a lovely dent on the top right corner to remember it's trip by.

Christmas Day

We had such a nice time together as a family on Christmas Day. Of course, the kids couldn't wait to get downstairs to open their presents. The funny thing was, they opened one thing and wanted to play with it. They didn't pay any attention to the other presents that were still sitting under the tree. I guess we could have given them each just one present. Next year we might let them open a present a day for a few days so they can have time to play with each one separately.

We spent the day together as a family, playing with our new toys. Tobin's brother Trent and his wife Kristyn and her cousin Kim came over for dinner that evening. It was so nice to have time to visit, play games, and enjoy being together. That is what Christmas is really about--enjoying family and remembering the Savior.

Here are some pictures from Christmas morning.

Peyton and Maryam coming down the stairs to see their presents. Maryam wanted to get dressed; Peyton insisted on staying in his pajamas.

Santa brought cameras for Peyton and Maryam. Hopefully this way I get to use my camera all by myself now.

Peyton with his first Thomas the Train set. He loves it!!!

Maryam with her doggie in a purse. I thinks her dog's current name is Belle. It was just Doggie for a while.

Maryam wearing her new dress-up princess dress and . . .

. . . jewelry!

Peyton surveying the aftermath.