Well, I'm staying home with the kids this year. A stay-at-home mom. Tobin and I debated this decision quite a bit during last school year. It was a really rough work year for me, so when the decision was finally made, I was REALLY excited to be home with the kids this year. The count down to the end of the 08-09 school year was agonizing. I was so trunky! (By the way, what is the non-Mormon word for trunky? Anxious?) Then, suddenly it was the last week of school. I said goodbye to my seniors at graduation. It was the first time I've cried at an Antioch High graduation. I said goodbye, well "see ya later," to my colleagues with a little more crying.
I spent the next two months in a whirl wind of traveling, spending time with family, helping my parents after mom's surgery, trying to get my kids back into some sort of routine, and then a little more traveling. During all the summer craziness I tried desperately to come to grips with the fact that I am not working. I never expected to feel so sad and impotent. I felt like I had lost my identity. People made comments like, "She used to be a teacher, " and I started wondering who I am now. I am still a teacher, even if I'm not working this year. Why is it that the outside world has now determined that I am nothing? I went through a wide range of emotions trying to figure it all out, and sometimes wishing I was going to be at work again this fall.
Time rushes swiftly on, and it's now the first week of school in the Antioch district. I'm glad to be home with my twins. I'm certainly missing my teacher friends and a new group of students. I miss the gratification of knowing I am touching so many young people's lives (hopefully for the better). I miss the satisfaction of earning a paycheck, miniscule though it may be. But I know that the work I'm doing at home is more important. The influence I have on my children now is greater than the influence I may have as a teacher.
I've always wanted to stay home with my children. So then why do I feel such a keen sense of loss over leaving my job for now?
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4 comments:
Dear Lydia, I hope you can at least take comfort in knowing you are not alone in your struggle!
My mom is getting her degree in human development, and we talk all the time about the challenges young moms face. It's REALLY, REALLY hard being a mom, whether you work outside the home or your work is full-time at home. Personally, I believe being a full-time mom is much harder than any "job." As much as I love my kids, I'm counting down the days until I get to go to work in an office again!
I applaud you for making this hard choice to (temporarily) leave a career that had a title and pay for the much more challenging and valuable career of stay-at-home mom, which doesn't pay a dime. You are, without a doubt, choosing the greater path. I hope you'll be able to keep that truth with you as the bumps come.
Good luck with this new phase of life!
I remember feeling so out of place when I had Aaron and decided to stay home. Not that I wasn't grateful to be home, but it just felt so weird not to be contributing financially to our family. As time has gone on, I see that the job of MOTHER is so much more demanding, frustrating and wonderful than any job I could have taken. I truly am blessed to be able to stay home with our kiddos, as are you! I feel for those mothers who want to be home and can't. Enjoy this. :)
It's a big change, but hopefully one you'll be altogether grateful for in the end. They're only little for a short while, and the effect you can have on them as a full-time mother is infinitely more important than the effect you can have on students. Just beware of monotony and make sure you do things to make your lives with them fun and enlightening.
I feel ya...that transition is tricky. Part of me wants to always work a couple of days a week, but at some point (assuming we end up having a few kids) its not worth it to work. So I applaud you for joining the ranks of the stay at home mom's. I completely understand why that was a hard decision, but you are sacrificing something you enjoyed for your children, and that is awesome. Plus now my baby gets an awesome babysitter!!
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